I took my love and I took it down
Love. Something I’ve been scared of for a while. Mostly because of friendships gone wrong, mostly from living a lie, living in denial for even longer. You see, I have had, lets call it this, a secret for a while. Living a teenage lie. Denying the thing you already know, saying no to what your heart wants, but what your mind is not yet ready for to acce pt. But that lie isover, and has been for three weeks now. It’s still difficult, but the biggest burden has past now. I’m ready now, to live and love to the fullest.
It probably happened years ago, being a teenage guy, hormones racing everywhere, not knowing that to think or do. Society wanting you to find a cute girl, start your first (of probably many) teenage relationships. I looked at girls, and thought they looked nice, but that was it. You were pretty much pretty or not so pretty. Sometimes just ugly. Same went for boys, I thought one was either pretty, either tough or cool. Or stupid and ugly. Come on, I was 14 or 15 years old?
Slowly I started to develop. Physically and mentally. I got older, my body got older and I started to grow. I slowly started realising that when I looked at people I was looking at boys more than girls, even though I tried my best to look at girls the way I started to look at boys. I was confused, what was happening? Wasn’t I supposed to look at girls and fall in love? Isn’t that the way things were supposed to be? I started to lose myself a bit, made new friends, to forget about the things I was thinking. Perhaps the wrong friends, I didn’t know back then. Now I do, both friends weren’t the best of friends, and I no longer talk to either of them.
I got older I started to think more. New friends, new class. Same school. I kept denying what I already knew, what I didn’t want to be true. I kept making more friends, I kept focusing on school, I kept on making more friends, I kept on working. Pretty much everything to keep me from standing still and say to myself ‘What am I doing?’. I kept on working, I kept on going to school. I started to read more, to get lost in worlds easier to face than my own.I started to write, to create worlds better than my own.
I grew up more, got into fight because sometimes people saw what I was denying and asked me about it. It made me mad, angry even. How can someone see what I was hiding so well? How could people just ask me that when I did my best to keep my walls so high? What was happening? Was it so obvious?
I finished secondary school and hardly saw anyone from there anymore. Perhaps 3 people or so, close friends. Really close friends. I went on to college and started fresh there. New friends. New chances. I looked at girls again and met a girl I really liked. I tricked myself into thinking I really liked her. Like like her. Little did I know that I was just becoming close friends with her, instead of the fake sense of love I had made myself feel. She eventually dropped out of college. I was sad for a while, I missed my friend. I missed my other half at school, we were always together. Where she was, I was and vice versa.
New year, new friends were made. A new group of friends actually. I still had friends at school, but a new group was created with people who had so much in common, but were so much different at the same time. A group that will stay for a long time. A group I love so much that it at times scares me. And of course, in that group is one person who I love the most, because she is pretty much my best friend. We talk for hours, about life, love, school, friends. We were both hurt, scarred in a way. Friendship for me, heartbreak for her. We just sense each other I guess. I remember getting texts from her, asking if I’m okay, just because something I tweeted or posted somewhere sounded a little less happy than normal. Same goes the other way around.
I got a little happier, I made new friends. Friends who accepted me and loved me for who I am, flaws and imperfections. Yet I kept on lying to myself. I talked with my best friend a lot, sometimes less, other times more. I talked about how I was old fashioned. An old soul in a digital generation. I kept on telling lies to myself, how I wanted to fall in love, go on a few dates, have my first kiss, at the front door. How I wanted to cook a girl dinner, take her to movies and concerts. Fall in love, old style. And even now I am still old fashioned, yet in another world.
So by now I have been lying a lot. To myself, and to others. Slowly I started accepting though, that I wasn’t into girls. I was starting to accept who I really was, but it was difficult. I had this idea of what I wanted to do in life. School, work, a wife, children, a house, a dog. Something like that. Just old fashioned. But it got hard on me to keep on telling lies. I had been lying for so long that I started to believe what I was telling myself. ‘I’m just old fashioned, perhaps slower than the rest of these teens of there.’ Just tell yourself a lie for long enough and you’ll believe it yourself. And I did.
Of course, the change was bound to happen. I was watching a show where a girl came out for real to her best friend. The friend she has kissed before, has sex with before, but just because she liked it, she told herself. I saw myself in her, not wanting to accept the truth, not wanting to be that kind of person. We were both living a lie. But she came out, she told the truth. And even though it was just a show, even though she’s just a character, an actress playing a girl in high school, she got my crying like a baby. I saw myself, minus the kissing and sex with a best friend. I saw someone who was confused, lost in a train of thought, lost in a web of lies. And I really started to accept.
So by now I could tell myself, yes, I’m a guy who happens to like guys. I was able to tell myself I was gay. Am gay. And no, it was not a choice or a phase. I could finally admit it to myself. It was also around this time that I happened to see something in a friendship of mine that scared me to death. A friendship I was so scared of, of losing it, plain miscommunication at times that nearly gave me heart attacks. A friend of mine who also happened to be gay. I realised now that the reason this friendship was so dear to me, that he became such a big part of my life within a year, that it was just me developing a crush on him. I finally saw the puzzle pieces coming together. He was my gay best friend, and he was the guy I started to fall for.
Two weeks passed, but I was too scared to tell people. I just accepted myself, but was the world ready to accept me? But most importantly, were my parents ready to accept me? Would I still be their son? A sense of fear started to form. I have never been more scared in my life before, because I had seen nothing but mixed signals coming from my parents. Two guys kissing on TV – Ew, gross. Little cousin asking about two guys kissing on TV (another show) – No sweetheart, that’s absolutely normal and possible. But I knew it would be different if it were me kissing another guy.
My best friend started asking questions. She knew, because of the way I talked, the things I posted on another blog, because of tweets, that I started crushing on someone. At first I was too scared to admit it, too scared to get judged. Someone who accepts me no matter what. I ended up telling her, on a Monday evening. The first person ever. I told her who my crush is, how scared and confused I am. She told me everything was fine, that she was proud of me and that everything will get better. She didn’t love me any less. Tuesday followed, and I talked to my fellow sheep at school. A close friend, with as much curls as me. We’re the white and black sheep. I told her, again how confused and scared I was. She gave me a hug, told me she loved me, and that I could ways call. I felt more at ease, but still scared beyond everything I had ever faced in life. After her I talked to my crush, how I started to fall for him and that I am gay. We talked a bit, but more about me being gay than the crush I have. I told other friends at school, and got nothing but praise. But then, why was I still so scared? When even a teacher gave me the biggest hug she’d ever given me? There was still this fear, and why?
The parents. My friends now knew, but the big word wasn’t out and proud to my parents yet. I had to tell them. I told them the same day, ready to face my fears head on. Mixed reactions of course. Starting with ‘I already knew’ or ‘I’ve always known’. Hours later is was ‘Are you sure?’ and ‘We need t get to know you again’. My fears became real. My parents, my father mostly, had a hard time accepting the truth. He had always know he said, but now he didn’t know me anymore, felt our relationship had changed. I felt betrayed, even more scared, and eventually unwelcome in my own home.
Days had passed. I had a hard time focussing at work, I had so much on my mind. I didn’t feel like going home, knowing my father was avoiding me and refusing to say anything to me. That is, until Sunday. He wanted to talk, said he had to accept me because he didn’t want to lose me. That is was hard, but he knew it already. He found it hard, seeing me suffering, but more that he was actually losing me. I was already thinking about moving out. Still am, but that’s something else. So by now my parents and friends accepted me. Slowly family started hearing it, I got texts from cousins telling me they were proud. One found it ‘hip and happening to have a gay cousin’. She just wanted to make me laugh. Mostly because she was genuinely concerned as to how my parents had reacted. She knew how my parents are, my father mostly. But things were going better, went towards a brighter future.
Now what? I’m out of the closet for a few weeks now. I can say I’m still scared, but who isn’t? I’m facing the world differently now. I have friends and family who still love me. It’s hard, because I have to face other things, but I’m managing. So what will the future bring me? What will I get in the end? Here’s what I am hoping.
The future for me will bring a boyfriend. Someone who loves me for who I am. A guy who will make me laugh when I am down, who cheers me up when I cry. Someone who will take me seriously, but knows when to make jokes. But mostly, someone who just loves me. A boyfriend. And my friends. And family. And school. Eventually a degree, a job, a house. Perhaps a dog. Heck, I might still have children one day. But for now, all I hope for is love and a loving future.
My secret is out there. And three weeks ago my ‘new life’ began.
The first day, the first day of the rest of my live.
Between The Minds 