Predictably Unpredictable

Remember those times when you thought you knew someone? Remember those? Perhaps that’s a good thing, at least that’s that I hope. I hope remembering those times means something good.  I hope they mean we loved. We still love. And who knows, it might mean we still love. This story will be about a girl. A really nice girl, one of my best friends. Best friend, back in those times when I thought I knew her. This post if about our friendship. In honour of that what once was.

We met when I was fourteen. We we’re in high school. I went to my third year, she did third year again. The first few weeks we didn’t say anything except hello and good weather talk. She however was friends with someone who went to the same primary school as I did, someone who is a year older than I am, and thus was always one class higher than I was. Until that year. Both of them didn’t have enough grades to pass our third year, so they were both still in their third year, for the second time. Because we had a mutual someone we know we became acquainted. I wouldn’t call us friends yet, we never really did anything together. That soon changed though. She invited me to her birthday, and I went. It was fun. I met some more new people, one of them even became a really good friend as well.

I think we became really good friends just after her birthday. We found out we had lots of things in common. We both loved music, though the vast majority of our favourite artist were different, there were lots in common. Things we liked in people as well. We both wanted friends with humour, people who knew when to have a good time, people who knew when it was time to be serious. We found a lot of things we had in common, character wise we were nearly the same. At time we were inseparable. Always together, and if it wasn’t the two of us, it would be the three of us, because me, my friend and the girl from primary school, we became close friends. We would skip school sometimes, and making sure not to get caught we would go a long way from school, just sitting in the middle of nowhere on a bench. We made that our little place. The three of us scratched their initials into the wood, surrounding it with a circle. It was our place, no one would take it away. I haven’t been there in three years.

Of course, when friends are having fun, school seems less important at times. I wanted to pass that year, but when we were about three quarters into that year we found out, and with we I mean the three of us, that our grades were just slightly about passing. Meaning we really had to work a lot harder to pass. If we wanted to pass at all. Doing the same year wasn’t such a problem for me, it would be possible for me. However for those two, since they were already doing their third year for the second time they would have to pass or leave school. It took a while until we figured out why our grades were going down. It was our common friend. We realised she had a bad influence on us. It was her who made us skip school, hang out a lot, and do nothing. Yes I know, it was my fault as well, I should have known better, but when you’re having fun and like people it’s hard to see the flaws they have. It took me eight months to see her flaws. I wished I would have seen the flaws my friend has then.

In the end the three of us passed our third year, so that went well. I actually managed to get quite good grades, as well as my friend. The other one however, who wasn’t really a friend anymore barely passed. In the end of year four she found out there was no way of passing so she left school. I haven’t really seen her since. The friendship between me and my friend however blossomed. We were free of a bad influence,  so things went well. Things went really well. And I am glad things worked out then. The problem now was though, that we were in separate classes, both a different profile in year four. It didn’t matter, we were friends, we hanged out, nothing could tear us apart. So I thought.

I believe things went wrong during summer break between our fourth year and our fifth year. She met a guy during her holiday. Someone who I think was meant to be nothing more than a summer crush. But who am I to judge someone I don´t know, but someone she really likes or perhaps even loves. All I knew back then is that he lived somewhere way up north, and we lived in the south. They kept on dating after the summer break, they were really together. I should have seen the signs back then. She got way less time for her friends, and she only had time for her boyfriend. Here’s the thing. Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t mean you should abandon your friends. That’s just wrong on my opinion.  

She began to change a lot since she dated him. I remember something really specific. We went to the movies. With we this time I mean myself, my friend, and another common friend, the one who is a really close friend now and the one who was mentioned a bit above. She got dropped off by her boyfriend. The second time I saw her, but he didn’t get out. She got out of the car really lady like, she wore a dress. She got out as if she did nothing else, legs closed, a perfect lady. She kissed him goodbye and he drove away. The minute he turned around the corner she spat out her gum and seems to collapse. I use the word collapse, though she didn´t literally crash and collapse. She was wearing heals, instead of sneakers, and she just seemed to shrink on her heels, like her old self was fighting out of the appearance of a real lady. There was a glimpse of the person who used to be my friend, and I got my hopes up again. We went to the movie, and it actually turned out to be fun. It was almost like old times, though of course they weren’t. Things already were too much different than they used to be, we weren’t the friends we used to be.

I think it was not long after  that movie that we started to really drift apart. I graduated high school, she sadly didn’t. Perhaps that’s part of the drift as well. She in the end still failed, where I succeeded. I however still hoped things would turn out ok. That I would get my friend back, with or without boyfriend. I kept trying to make contact, which at times worked, but at times failed miserably. I ofter got responses back from her. `We need to hang out soon!` and `When do you wanna hang out and do something fun?`. However when I replied to those with my hope up as high as they could I got no response back. I of course, crashed down, making my own tower of hope, just to crash down. `You keep pulling me up, to put me down` comes to mind now, it feels like it´s true.

Yes, I can answer my own question now. I lost my friend a long time ago. The last time I saw my friend, the person I am friends with would be more than two, maybe three years ago. We don´t have the same friends anymore. Her friends are her boyfriend’s friends. We do not matter anymore. Our questions remain unanswered. We see through social networks that she spends a lot of time up north. She’s even looking for her own room up north, she’ll go to college there. She’s going in halls up there. Leaving us behind. Going to her new friends. Not us. Never us. We do not matter anymore…

Yes I can answer my own question now. No. It’s as simple as that. She is no longer my friend. All she can do now is hurt me and not even know it. She did it before.  I thought I was over this thing. This thing that used to be a friendship, but it seems that I am not. Writing about it created a lump in my throat that grew at a steady rate. For every word, every sentence the lump grew too. It’s a good thing. I’m sure of that. It shows me I loved her. And that she really was my friend, despite the ending of it.

Predictably Unpredictable. Some people are that. Those two words show more than some ever will. You think you know a person, but in the end you don’t. Yes. Perhaps I am over it now. Perhaps it was writing it down that can give me closure. Can let me end this feeling once and for all. I know it now, the girl who used to be my best friend left. She got replaced by someone else. Someone I cannot call a friend, because I don’t know her.

It will that person I will see Thursday. I got asked to join another close friend to meet her. I was told she was happy hearing she would see me. I have a hard time believing it, so we’ll see. Will it be awkward? Will it be weird? One thing is for sure, it will never be the same anymore. The guy who was friends with her left as well. I moved on, and I closed my heart. I refuse to let someone hurt me as this friendship has done. I closed my heart, though it remains open to those who deserve it. But it will never, ever be as open as it used to be.

And perhaps that’s why I dedicate this blog to a friendship. A friendship that is no more, and never will be. This blog is dedicated to friendship. Here is to what once was.

 ~ Storm J. Night

Listening to Season Of Love by Shiny Toy Guns

~ by azarath on August 30, 2009.