I took my love and I took it down

•April 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Love. Something I’ve been scared of for a while. Mostly because of friendships gone wrong, mostly from living a lie, living in denial for even longer. You see, I have had, lets call it this, a secret for a while. Living a teenage lie. Denying the thing you already know, saying no to what your heart wants, but what your mind is not yet ready for to acce pt. But that lie isover, and has been for three weeks now. It’s still difficult, but the biggest burden has past now. I’m ready now, to live and love to the fullest.

It probably happened years ago, being a teenage guy, hormones racing everywhere, not knowing that to think or do. Society wanting you to find a cute girl, start your first (of probably many) teenage relationships. I looked at girls, and thought they looked nice, but that was it. You were pretty much pretty or not so pretty. Sometimes just ugly. Same went for boys, I thought one was either pretty, either tough or cool. Or stupid and ugly. Come on, I was 14 or 15 years old?

Slowly I started to develop. Physically and mentally. I got older, my body got older and I started to grow. I slowly started realising that when I looked at people I was looking at boys more than girls, even though I tried my best to look at girls the way I started to look at boys. I was confused, what was happening? Wasn’t I supposed to look at girls and fall in love? Isn’t that the way things were supposed to be? I started to lose myself a bit, made new friends, to forget about the things I was thinking. Perhaps the wrong friends, I didn’t know back then. Now I do, both friends weren’t the best of friends, and I no longer talk to either of them.

I got older I started to think more. New friends, new class. Same school. I kept denying what I already knew, what I didn’t want to be true. I kept making more friends, I kept focusing on school, I kept on making more friends, I kept on working. Pretty much everything to keep me from standing still and say to myself ‘What am I doing?’. I kept on working, I kept on going to school. I started to read more, to get lost in worlds easier to face than my own.I started to write, to create worlds better than my own.

I grew up more, got into fight because sometimes people saw what I was denying and asked me about it. It made me mad, angry even. How can someone see what I was hiding so well? How could people just ask me that when I did my best to keep my walls so high? What was happening? Was it so obvious?

Continue reading ‘I took my love and I took it down’

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I don’t want to go to bed now

•November 8, 2010 • Leave a Comment

It amazes me how I’m always the last one to go to bed in this house. Is it so weird that I can’t really fall asleep before midnight? Should I, when the parentals keep asking why I don’t go to bed earlier, apologize that my social life doesn’t have a specific time slot? That unlike theirs perhaps mine does continue all day, considering I know people around the world?

You might start to see that this blog post could end up being slightly different that all the other rather depressing posts. I remember when I wrote my very first post for this blog, how I said I’d hope this blog would turn up to be a happy one, one with jokes, where you’d smile and maybe even laugh. So far I haven’t been keeping that promise, seeing that nearly every blog posts was started with me being angry, upset or annoyed about something. To be honest, this probably won’t be any different.

Considering it has been over half a year since my last post I’d probably tell you what I’ve been up to. My life has, in a way, been busy, though at the same time sort of boring. Here’s why.

Last year I managed to get a certificate I need to stay in school, which is just a piece of paper showing you have passes all the first year courses (within a time period of 2 school years) and thus have collected 60 points. That means that I am currently in my third year of school, doing mostly, if not only, second year courses. In short, I have a delay of at least a year. Not that I really care, I’m only 19.  So school is mostly the same, perhaps some new friends, and in a way lost some along the way. Yes, yet again.
Perhaps the most changes have been work related. I used to work with a marketing research company, but they fired me. Long story short, I knew too much about the people working there, when a supervisor told me to do something I knew what I could say back, etc. Most of my supervisors didn’t work there as long as I did.
Strangly enough I decided to try my luck at something completely different, jokingly applying for a job at a store. A clothing store to be precise, named after a certain city. At first they were happy with my work, happy with me working there and then suddenly, after three weeks they dropped me. Fired, yet again, within a month. They switched from happy to we’re not sure in less than a week, and thus I was unemployed once again.
Of course, looking for a new job in the middle of an exam week, and even the end of a school year proved to be harder than expected. Finally I ended up applying at an office which was looking for someone who had experience calling people for a living, though they were calling other companies to make appointments, check files etc. I didn’t expect to get hired, but happily enough, they wanted to work with me. They said, even though you’re still in school, we can teach you a lot and we hope you can help us out along the way. I ended up getting a raise there withing two weeks. At the end of my holiday I had to tell them school was starting again and I couldn’t work full time anymore and all they said was, oh ok, can you still keep working here part time? We don’t want to lose you! In other words, I kept on working, part time.
In September I went to Dublin for a week with school, which was great, expensive, but an overal amazing experience. Definitely want to go back.
So what now? It’s currently November and my internship has started, which resulted in 3 days school, two days internship. How to work at an office then? Which is open Monday to Friday from 9 to 5? I don’t. They’ve asked me if I’d like to be put on non-active for the time being, considering my internship is until February. They apparently do not want to get rid of me!

Well, that’s probably what happened the past months. So why a blog with the title ‘I don’t want to go to bed now’? Well, probably because I don’t. It’s weird that I can’t be bothered, so to speak, to go to bed, even though I have a day of internship tomorrow. Not sure if I can do my own classes tomorrow, but that doesn’t change the fact that it can be tiring to help, stand, teach children from 12 to 18. The joy of wanting to be a teacher!
Even when I do go to bed on time I find it hard to fall asleep. It is as if my mind won’t stop working. Besides that I keep hearing stuff. Not as in, I see dead people, but more like hearing my father snore, cars driving by, trains even. to clear that up, there’s a highway close by, which is also besides the railway. My solution to that is just to listen to music, to calm down and in a way get tired. It helps most of the time, but is bound to fail sometimes. Everything does.

Perhaps I should start thinking about finishing this blog post now. What it was that I wanted to tell my readers? No idea, perhaps to show that I’m still alive (and kicking?). I do have some events to look forward too. A new group of friends, good friends, those that hopefully do not walk away at a certain point. Friends I can count on. And with those friends concerts, a few this month actually. Also Christmas together, and New Years too probably. There’s even talk of a road trip through the UK in the summer and going to London for the premiere of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows part 2.

So, even though at times I find my life very boring, I can’t help but think, perhaps life is good. At least right now. After all, we never know what comes between dreams.

 

~Storm J. Night

listening to The Same Inside by Caitlin Crosby

 

If I gave you my heart

•April 14, 2010 • Leave a Comment

There are times when I think I need to be more careful picking my friends. I feel like somehow I’m always the one who gets hurt, the one you take advantage of, the one who is always there when you need him. I am the listening ear they need, their therapist when needed. The one who you think will always be there. That time is over, I have learned my lesson…

Do you know that person in your group of friend who is always there for everyone? That’s me. I am the kind of person who will always try to help when I can, be there for people who need me, it’s just who I am. When a friend is in trouble I will be there to help, to assist, to do everything I can. Just call my name and I’ll be there. *no Mariah pun intended*.
Say for instance you are having problems with someone. You would know that you could always talk to me, that I would even pick up my phone despite the fact that it’s three am and I need to get up in a few hours. Text me and you will get an answer. Ask me a question and I will say what I think, whether that is direct or subtle. Sometimes all I can do is point towards the right direction and let you do all the work. I might be the one you depend on, but have faith that you can do things on your own.

People generally think of me as a nice person. I smile a lot when I’m with people, trying to bring a positive atmosphere to a group. Yes I do have my bad days and no my mood is something you won’t enjoy then, but even I am entitled to a bad mood every now and then. I guess being there for everyone automatically makes sure you don’t have someone to talk to. To have a person who does for you what you do for others. And that hurts.

Yes, there might be some people who I can talk to, but I know they wouldn’t do the same for me as I would for them. They are there when I need them, but don’t spill your guts too much because ‘you should stop whining.’ Excuse me?! I think I have the right to say what I want right? I listen to your crap, now you listen to mine. But by that time it’s too late, I already know they don’t want to listen to what I have to say, to the bad or annoying thing that happened to me that day. That’s fine by me, if no one listens to me I’ll just write it down and get it off my chest.

So you might wonder why I decide to write this down? I guess it’s because something happened today that I don’t like. I found out a dear friend is coming back, something I’m stoked about. Like before I asked if she’d like me to pick her up at the airport, pretty sure she’d say yes and be excited about seeing me again. I didn’t get a yes. She told me three friends of her were picking her up by car, and I replied by saying I wasn’t going to drive with them. They’re no friends of mine anymore, pretty much fed up with their crap so declined that idea saying it would cause many awkward silences. Besides, the drive would be an hour and a half, with me being the only guy in the car. No thanks, I don’t like them anymore.
‘Why don’t you meet us there and there then?’ Her way of saying she was planning on living in a city nearby. One, when were you planning on telling that you were going to get your own place? Two, who is going to pay for that? You have no job, so no income. Did you win a lottery or something? Three, you don’t even know if you can live there, you don’t have a place yet.

I have this strange feeling something has happened, but I don’t know what. Perhaps something I said? Or perhaps our friendship is affected by the distance of an entire ocean.  I will found out in two months. Curious what will happen? So am I…

~ Storm J. Night

now listening: Down in a cold dirty well, by Justin Nozuka

Let it fall…

•December 22, 2009 • Leave a Comment

What would you say if I said I suffered extreme pain the last few days? Would you feel sorry, curious, or perhaps think something like, why should I care? Perhaps you did feel sorry, then I am grateful, perhaps you think why would he suffer pain? Then I’d be somewhat grateful too, knowing that someone would actually think about me. Or perhaps you’re part of the group who don’t care. I wouldn’t care less, you probably don’t know me and nor do I know you.

The pain. The pain was in my foot. My right foot to be exact. It was very weird actually. Starting with just a sting I thought it wasn’t really something worth mentioning, because stings happen all the time. When you move too fast, or make a wrong move. Mine felt just like those. One difference though. Within 30 minutes the pain radidly increased. I could hardly stand, unless I was leaning on my left foot, keeping the right elevated. That meant I couldn’t really walk anymore. Yep, I was temporarily disabled. I even got a wheelchair.
Something wrong though, I didn’t go to the hospital, nor to a GP or a doctor. I just went home, got picked up by my parents and drove home. There we called something called a GP-post, something that’s open outside of office hours, because the GP was already closed and back home by the time I was home. According to the people at the GP-post I might have an inflammation in a muscle in my foot, or I just sprained something. Not that they saw my foot, remember? I just called them and got a consult over the phone. I had to answer some questions, and having studied medicine (NOT) I am very trustworthy right?
Here’s what they wanted me to do. Let my poor little foot rest. Keeping it elivated. And if I would be in too much pain just take some ordinary painkillers like Ibuprofen, Nurofen or Paracetamol. Yep, that’s what they wanted me to do. Take more painkillers and just be in pain, disabled, elivated foot and let it rest. That the government for having a winterbreak of school so rest wouldn’t be such a bad problem.

Now, you might think my story ends here. I doesn’t. My dad got the brilliant idea to call my aunt, because apparently she would have heat or cold patches to put on my foot so if there would be an inflammation it would cool down and get rid of whatever bad things are in that muscle. Of course after calling my aunt she wanted to see me so she could examine my foot, didn’t even know she was a doctor. After arriving there I soon found out she isn’t a doctor in medicine, but more into the mental area I guess. Not a shrink or something, something in between I guess. Well, she exmanined my still very painful foot and started feeling, touching and stroking parts of it. Weirdly enough, it didn’t tickle me and trust me I already just when someone tickles or even touches my sides.
Here’s what my aunt told me. They(yep, plural, my aunt and her guidance I guess, her spirit guide?) felt by touching my foot that I have tremendous amounts of tension in me. I’m all tensed up by having a lot of stress, feeling trapped in some ways. She felt that I was tired, either because of a lack of sleep or just the amount of thoughts I have or a combination of both. She also felt, which creeped me out the most, that I wasn’t really happy anymore. That when I smile it never reaches my eyes anymore, that it acts as a facade now, a wall to protect me. Why is that creepy to me? Because that is what I do, I act like I’m happy all the time, but the biggest part is just protection, to not get hurt by others, to keep myself safe from harm. That’s why it creeped me out. She sensed that, by touching my foot.
According to her I’m still very flexibal, that I can still change. All I need to do it talk, talk about what I’m thinking, what I feel, and get it off my chest and out of my head. And even though I have a lot of friends and know a lot, I am the kind of person who never really talks. I prefer to keep it to myself, something I shouldn’t really do apparently. It’ll kill me someday.

But that day won’t come just yet. The fact that I don’t talk about everything won’t kill me. I’ll just write it down. I don’t care if that will be here or on actual paper, but I feel it’ll help me way more if I just write it down and trust it to paper (or blogs) instead of someone I (think I) trust only to be hurt again right?

So, paper and pen, here I come. Someday.

~ Storm J. Night

Listening to Basic Space – The XX

Machine Talk

•September 22, 2009 • 1 Comment

10

This blog is actually going to be a fun and ‘light’ blog. But before I start I must tell how it was inspired. I was talking to one of my new friends on MSN. Her name is Emily if my dear readers would like to know. We were talking about music, and at the moment my I-pod and laptop as well. You see, not too long ago my I-pod crashed, and so I lost way too many songs. At least 8000 songs were lost, gone perhaps for forever. Oh, Emily is one of my Twitter friends. Twitter had made me able to meet so many sweet and incredibly cool people. (But enough about Twitter).

When we first started joking I said something about my laptop being angry at me. I froze a lot, and I saw a lot of ‘not responding’-s. As a result I said my laptop must be very angry with me at the time, feeling I might have abused it. Why? I was at the moment, downloading a file with the size of 12.4GB. I was doing this, knowing my laptop has little memory left, but I made sure there was some room. Right now, that same file of 12.4GB is still downloading, and perhaps it’ll be finished soon.

Now you might think why my laptop would be angry at me for just downloading such a large file. That’s because of the following; I was downloading a lot of albums as well, sometimes even complete discographies. Yes, I know it’s ‘illegal’, but I use my downloaded music for personal use only, and at least 75% of my downloaded music you can find on a legally bought CD here as well. I once counted how many CDs I have, but I stopped at a certain number with a certain amount of zeros.

So, we decided my laptop was angry, but what if it could really talk as if it were a real person, or a machine with such intelligence that it was capable of interacting verbally with us humans. And so I created in my head a conversation between the machines and gadgets I have in my room. And it was something like this.

Laptop: “For crying out loud, isn’t he finished downloading yet? I have been on all day, just downloading music. I got Tweetdeck open a lot lately, and I keep getting older and slower. Can’t he just turn me of sometimes?”
Television: “At least you are turned on. He only uses me on Monday evenings lately. I used to be watched a lot.”
DVD player: “Yawn. Always your boring things about not being used. You know what not being used it. Having you, Lance(the laptop), to play DVDs now. I used to work together with Ted (the TV) here. Movie after movie would be watched. For crying out LOUD, look at the dust on me. If I would have lungs I’d get an asthma attack here.
External hard disk: “I don’t even know what you are talking about. I have been here for a week or two now, and I’m being used. He stores so many lovely files on me. Can’t you hear all those lovely songs in me? I can’t play them myself though, I need Lance’ help for that.
Stereo: “Remember those times?”
Laptop: “What times?”
Stereo: “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to Ted and Dan (the DVD player).
DVD and TV: “What times?”
Stereo: “When they didn’t exist in this room. We would be used so much, I would have three CDs in me to play, you either a DVD or a nice TV program.
External hard disk: “That must’ve been a while, right gramps?”
TV: “Don’t be so cocky Emma. You can break easily with those wires and thingies in you.”
Stereo: “Good one Ted, new gadgets should respect the older machines. We were here first.”
Laptop: “I got a plan, I’m so going to change some settings soon. Perhaps turn of sound, or images. Make him pay for his abuse. Let me mentally abuse him.
I-Pod: “I already am broken. Don’t know how, but my sound plug is acting weird. I heard Master say he only gets sound with the left ear plug, while they both work with Lance or Steven.”
Stereo: “True, the earplugs work when I use them, same goes with Lance. Hope he doesn’t…”
I-Pod: “Doesn’t what?”
Nintendo 64: “Replace you, that’s what he wants to say, but he’s too polite. I don’t do polite. I still have some weird game in me with a bear and an egg shooting bird.”
I-Pod: “But I have served Master for three years, surely he will get me fixed?”
Phone: “He has been a loyal gadget. I have been with him for a while now, with Master and I-Pod and we both get used a lot during the day. We like it.”
Laptop: “Yeah, but you are both replaceable, not that expensive compared to us.” P
hone: “True…”
I-Pod: “I don’t want to be replaced. I’ll work now. See I work. I think.”
Laptop: “Someone make sure he isn’t crashing again. He’s the reason I had to download so much again. User was angry with him when he crashed. Still don’t know why…”
Phone: “I know I will be replaced soon, that’s just the way my life goes. Go from one user to the other… That’s just machine life.”
Stereo: “Shht! I think I hear someone!”
Nintendo 64: “With those speakers working as ears, hard to miss anything. Ha!”
DVD player: “All machines and gadgets stand-by.”

Desk light: “False alarm guys.”
Laptop: “You awake again?”
Ceiling light: “Obviously… ”
I-Pod: “I fell asleep sorry. Philip (the phone), will you keep me awake please?”
Phone: “Uh, ok?”
Laptop: “I will abuse him soon. Yes. Definitely. Make him pay.”
TV: “I can’t wait until it’s Monday. Some nice shows are on then. I will get used again!”
DVD player: “Thanks for boasting…”
Stereo: “I know right…”

So, that’s sort of what happened it my weird head. Big fantasy I have. Who knows what weirdness may sprout out of me?

Storm J. Night

Currently listening to Drifter from Little Paper Flags

Predictably Unpredictable (Part 2)

•September 9, 2009 • Leave a Comment

candle

As I write this blog it had been nearly a week since I saw my former best friend. When I wrote my previous blog I spilled nearly everything. That blog was my way of venting at that point. There were more than enough people to talk to, but I find that writing often helps as well. Sometimes even better. Why a Predicably Unpredicable (Part 2)?. Because I felt like sharing what happened last Thursday when we had out little gathering. Just the three of us. Here’s the story of that day.

We agreed that I would come a bit later, because of the mere fact that I was invited a bit later at first, but it was actually because I couldn’t catch a bus sooner. So I said I’d be there around 1.30, while they would be there around 1PM. When I arrived one of them called me, the one who is now a really close friend. I didn’t ask why, because there could be multiple reasons. She wasn’t comfortable waiting alone, or just perhaps she already expected me to be there. She happened to call at the exact moment I got out of my bus and when I said Hi she saw me. So there was a quick hug and we went to town.

What did we do? To be honest, nothing much happened. We walked around, talked a lot. Mostly bringing back memories, because that was our shared factor at the moment. There was even a point where I was alone with her, and she genuinely asked how I was doing, how things were at home, how my parents were doing. And even though in some way it felt awkward answering those questions, I felt a little spark of friendship. You see, the reason why it was awkward for me was because at the moment she asked me I felt like our friendship had departed. But during our private chat we really seemed to connect again. I hope it’s a good thing, future will tell. 

So, even though this blog is rather short compared to the other there is one other thing I want to share, something I talked about with someone as well. As I said above I felt at a certain point like our friendship wasn’t really gone, that there was a remainder left. Perhaps it’ll grow back, perhaps it won’t. There is just one thing that bothers me now. Now that she has seen us again, will it take another year for her to want to see us? Did she have her share of old friendship for now?

 

~ Storm J. Night

Currently listening to Siobhan Donaghy – 12 Bar Acid Blues

Predictably Unpredictable

•August 30, 2009 • 3 Comments

Friendship Forever?

Remember those times when you thought you knew someone? Remember those? Perhaps that’s a good thing, at least that’s that I hope. I hope remembering those times means something good.  I hope they mean we loved. We still love. And who knows, it might mean we still love. This story will be about a girl. A really nice girl, one of my best friends. Best friend, back in those times when I thought I knew her. This post if about our friendship. In honour of that what once was.

We met when I was fourteen. We we’re in high school. I went to my third year, she did third year again. The first few weeks we didn’t say anything except hello and good weather talk. She however was friends with someone who went to the same primary school as I did, someone who is a year older than I am, and thus was always one class higher than I was. Until that year. Both of them didn’t have enough grades to pass our third year, so they were both still in their third year, for the second time. Because we had a mutual someone we know we became acquainted. I wouldn’t call us friends yet, we never really did anything together. That soon changed though. She invited me to her birthday, and I went. It was fun. I met some more new people, one of them even became a really good friend as well.

I think we became really good friends just after her birthday. We found out we had lots of things in common. We both loved music, though the vast majority of our favourite artist were different, there were lots in common. Things we liked in people as well. We both wanted friends with humour, people who knew when to have a good time, people who knew when it was time to be serious. We found a lot of things we had in common, character wise we were nearly the same. At time we were inseparable. Always together, and if it wasn’t the two of us, it would be the three of us, because me, my friend and the girl from primary school, we became close friends. We would skip school sometimes, and making sure not to get caught we would go a long way from school, just sitting in the middle of nowhere on a bench. We made that our little place. The three of us scratched their initials into the wood, surrounding it with a circle. It was our place, no one would take it away. I haven’t been there in three years.

Of course, when friends are having fun, school seems less important at times. I wanted to pass that year, but when we were about three quarters into that year we found out, and with we I mean the three of us, that our grades were just slightly about passing. Meaning we really had to work a lot harder to pass. If we wanted to pass at all. Doing the same year wasn’t such a problem for me, it would be possible for me. However for those two, since they were already doing their third year for the second time they would have to pass or leave school. It took a while until we figured out why our grades were going down. It was our common friend. We realised she had a bad influence on us. It was her who made us skip school, hang out a lot, and do nothing. Yes I know, it was my fault as well, I should have known better, but when you’re having fun and like people it’s hard to see the flaws they have. It took me eight months to see her flaws. I wished I would have seen the flaws my friend has then.

In the end the three of us passed our third year, so that went well. I actually managed to get quite good grades, as well as my friend. The other one however, who wasn’t really a friend anymore barely passed. In the end of year four she found out there was no way of passing so she left school. I haven’t really seen her since. The friendship between me and my friend however blossomed. We were free of a bad influence,  so things went well. Things went really well. And I am glad things worked out then. The problem now was though, that we were in separate classes, both a different profile in year four. It didn’t matter, we were friends, we hanged out, nothing could tear us apart. So I thought.

I believe things went wrong during summer break between our fourth year and our fifth year. She met a guy during her holiday. Someone who I think was meant to be nothing more than a summer crush. But who am I to judge someone I don´t know, but someone she really likes or perhaps even loves. All I knew back then is that he lived somewhere way up north, and we lived in the south. They kept on dating after the summer break, they were really together. I should have seen the signs back then. She got way less time for her friends, and she only had time for her boyfriend. Here’s the thing. Just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t mean you should abandon your friends. That’s just wrong on my opinion.  

She began to change a lot since she dated him. I remember something really specific. We went to the movies. With we this time I mean myself, my friend, and another common friend, the one who is a really close friend now and the one who was mentioned a bit above. She got dropped off by her boyfriend. The second time I saw her, but he didn’t get out. She got out of the car really lady like, she wore a dress. She got out as if she did nothing else, legs closed, a perfect lady. She kissed him goodbye and he drove away. The minute he turned around the corner she spat out her gum and seems to collapse. I use the word collapse, though she didn´t literally crash and collapse. She was wearing heals, instead of sneakers, and she just seemed to shrink on her heels, like her old self was fighting out of the appearance of a real lady. There was a glimpse of the person who used to be my friend, and I got my hopes up again. We went to the movie, and it actually turned out to be fun. It was almost like old times, though of course they weren’t. Things already were too much different than they used to be, we weren’t the friends we used to be.

I think it was not long after  that movie that we started to really drift apart. I graduated high school, she sadly didn’t. Perhaps that’s part of the drift as well. She in the end still failed, where I succeeded. I however still hoped things would turn out ok. That I would get my friend back, with or without boyfriend. I kept trying to make contact, which at times worked, but at times failed miserably. I ofter got responses back from her. `We need to hang out soon!` and `When do you wanna hang out and do something fun?`. However when I replied to those with my hope up as high as they could I got no response back. I of course, crashed down, making my own tower of hope, just to crash down. `You keep pulling me up, to put me down` comes to mind now, it feels like it´s true.

Yes, I can answer my own question now. I lost my friend a long time ago. The last time I saw my friend, the person I am friends with would be more than two, maybe three years ago. We don´t have the same friends anymore. Her friends are her boyfriend’s friends. We do not matter anymore. Our questions remain unanswered. We see through social networks that she spends a lot of time up north. She’s even looking for her own room up north, she’ll go to college there. She’s going in halls up there. Leaving us behind. Going to her new friends. Not us. Never us. We do not matter anymore…

Yes I can answer my own question now. No. It’s as simple as that. She is no longer my friend. All she can do now is hurt me and not even know it. She did it before.  I thought I was over this thing. This thing that used to be a friendship, but it seems that I am not. Writing about it created a lump in my throat that grew at a steady rate. For every word, every sentence the lump grew too. It’s a good thing. I’m sure of that. It shows me I loved her. And that she really was my friend, despite the ending of it.

Predictably Unpredictable. Some people are that. Those two words show more than some ever will. You think you know a person, but in the end you don’t. Yes. Perhaps I am over it now. Perhaps it was writing it down that can give me closure. Can let me end this feeling once and for all. I know it now, the girl who used to be my best friend left. She got replaced by someone else. Someone I cannot call a friend, because I don’t know her.

It will that person I will see Thursday. I got asked to join another close friend to meet her. I was told she was happy hearing she would see me. I have a hard time believing it, so we’ll see. Will it be awkward? Will it be weird? One thing is for sure, it will never be the same anymore. The guy who was friends with her left as well. I moved on, and I closed my heart. I refuse to let someone hurt me as this friendship has done. I closed my heart, though it remains open to those who deserve it. But it will never, ever be as open as it used to be.

And perhaps that’s why I dedicate this blog to a friendship. A friendship that is no more, and never will be. This blog is dedicated to friendship. Here is to what once was.

 ~ Storm J. Night

Listening to Season Of Love by Shiny Toy Guns